~ Psalm 6 ~
O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger, Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure. Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled. My soul also is greatly tousled; But You, O LORD – how long? Return, O LORD, deliver me! Oh, save me for Your mercies’ sake! For in death there is no remembrance of You; In the grave who will give You thanks? I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief; It grows old because of all my enemies. Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity; For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping. The LORD has heard my supplication; The LORD will receive my prayer. Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled; Let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly.
I don’t know why I am typing this blog right now. In less than 3 hours, I should be sitting in my class and take a quiz. But before that happens, I am suppose to turn in a 1,200 word memo on Apple Inc in 2010.
But, my stomach hurts…
“Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak”
“Do not be silent to me”
“Plead my cause, O LORD”
“Hear my prayer, O God”
“I am restless in my complaint, and moan noisily”
God, I am approaching you with my thinking and feeling. Please restore my soul, guide me in the path of righteousness and walk me through the shadow of death.
May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance. (2 Thessalonians 3:5 NIV)
This verse absolutely comforts me as I get nervous and stressed about this new quarter and my remote internship. I hope God will lead me to where I belong to, and allow me to love and persevere as I live.
‘IF you want to play, THEN you must die very hard look.’
I had three options for this summer: 1) interning in the US, 2) interning in Beijing, and 3) traveling with my dad. After asking around and careful consideration, my dad and I decided that I should go back to the States and gain work experience. However, I haven’t secured a place to stay in Long Beach, and I told my dad that I didn’t want to go back to La Jolla to get my car. All of these made him worry that I had been deceived by this opportunity. Accepting this offer felt more right, so I will learn to trust Him knowing that He plans the future and always prepares for us. In the meantime, I have been replying to posts on craigslist. Hopefully I will secure a safe place to stay for the next two and half months.
This is 2014.
This is June.
One week after finals and commencement.
Beginning of the 14-week break.
One out of fourteen passed.
I am at LAX, boarding in 20 mins, heading to Vancouver, Canada then Beijing, China.
It is enjoyable to hear announcements in both English and French. This is one nice thing taking Air Canada.
I may travel to North Korea, Japan, Korea, Germany and Britain this summer.
I may attend my colleague’s wedding in Xi’an.
I may intern with one or two or three different organizations this summer.
I must plan ahead and start studying for professional exam/certificate program.
And lastly, I shall visit mom at where she was buried. This is the only reason why I must go home this summer, not mentioning the price of the ticket.
I hope this will be one of my many meaningful and memorable summer breaks. May I change to a better, holy, wise person after the summer.
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear The yoke in his youth.
For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, Yet He will show compassion According to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, Nor grieve the children of men. (Lamentations 3:25-27, 31-33 NKJV)
I have been worried about myself recently. Not knowing God’s plan, I don’t know whether I should start packing and be ready to leave this country in a year or not. And Natalie said to me, “a year is long. Focus on the present. Hope in the Lord.”
I questioned God why He took mom away at such a young age for many, many times. I also asked for mercy because I grieved and felt guilty. Yet, He has compassion, and does not afflict willingly.
Life is good, is beautiful. It is also difficult sometimes with all the unknowns and uncertainty. But I guess that is why life is worth living.
I AM STRESSED!!!
All my second-year friends are leaving for school (Ph.D.), or heading to jobs/internships they got, or getting ready to travel for the summer.
I feel pressured to find a job or a potential husband that can allow me to continue living in the U.S.. BUT I don’t want to accept the maybe-true reality in which I have to marry someone I don’t love or enjoy spending time with.
The dilemma is 1) to go home and be the snow whom others expect me to be. marry someone that others think would be a good fit for me. 2) to stay in the U.S. and marry someone that can help me stay in the U.S. longer, and stay in the U.S. longer.
I don’t want either outcome. It may be a matter of choice. A choice of working hard vs. a choice of accepting the imaginary prospect of my future life.
What my life should be like or at least close to be like this:
Graduate, land on a job that brings personal growth and enhances skills/abilities which can help accomplish the purpose of my life. Get a work visa, meet my the other half, fall in love, and get married when it is the right time. Work together to reach a mutual goal that resembles my dream and/or his. Honor God’s name with the work we do and the self we are.
The story can probably be more in-depth or detailed. But that is just my ideal future in 5 to 10 years. God controls my life, and He has a plan for me, which is better than any of the plans I could have thought of.
I feel insecure.
Especially in this male-dominated world.
Maybe it is because of my mom,
Who can no longer protect me by my side.
I feel insecure.
Especially when there are guys approaching.
Maybe it is because of my fear,
Which has kept me away from adultery.
I feel insecure.
Yet, I know God is watching.
He loves, cares, and comforts.
How much I wish I could feel the embrace!
So there will be no insecurity.
Please protect me
And save me from the evil
Keep me clean and pure
So I may worship you with my wholly holy heart.
I pray, in The Lord of Lords, and the King of Kings, Jesus’ name.
When I am afraid, I will trust in you
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid
What can mortal man do to me?
In God, whose word I praise, in The Lord, whose word I praise–in God I trust; I will not be afraid
What can man do to me?
I am under vows to you, O God;
I will present my thank offerings to you
For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling that I may walk before God in the light of life.
Oh Lord, you know what I am afraid of, and you know how I can be not afraid anymore. I put my trust in you, knowing that you will not forsake me. Oh Lord, deliver me from death, and save me from evil doers. I present my thanks to you, for you allow me to walk with you, in the light of life. The days are long, nights too. How can I survive this world without you? Have mercy on me, O Lord, for in you I find rest, for in you I take refuge. Please take my yoke and burden, heal my wound and cover me with your wings, so I may live and praise your name till my last breath. Oh Lord, may every knee bows down in front of you and every mouth speaks word of praise to you.