No? Yes? No?

He is probably the first boy who told me that he liked me but didn’t know why. He is perhaps the first one who told me to just be myself. What he said means a lot to me.

Nonetheless, he is not a Christian; he is not older than me; he is not much taller than me; he is not a Chinese; he does not know Chinese culture… There are many things I value but he is not familiar with. Of course, there are also many things I don’t care but mean much to him.

If I know what is right and what is wrong, I will know the answer to that question. If I don’t know, I should pray and wait for His answer. What if God doesn’t respond to my prayer or He answered but I refuse to listen?

All these things trouble me, day and night. What should I do? What should I not do?

The unknown

11/27/2014 Thanksgiving chase
12/12/2014 Fraction burst into tears

2 weeks of internal change
Brought unease

Long term value change
Desires more and better

To know the unknown
Have to face trials and betrayals

A Prayer of Faith in Time of Distress

~ Psalm 6 ~
O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger, Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure. Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled. My soul also is greatly tousled; But You, O LORD – how long? Return, O LORD, deliver me! Oh, save me for Your mercies’ sake! For in death there is no remembrance of You; In the grave who will give You thanks? I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief; It grows old because of all my enemies. Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity; For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping. The LORD has heard my supplication; The LORD will receive my prayer. Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled; Let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly.

I don’t know why I am typing this blog right now. In less than 3 hours, I should be sitting in my class and take a quiz. But before that happens, I am suppose to turn in a 1,200 word memo on Apple Inc in 2010.

But, my stomach hurts…

“Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak”
“Do not be silent to me”
“Plead my cause, O LORD”
“Hear my prayer, O God”
“I am restless in my complaint, and moan noisily”

God, I am approaching you with my thinking and feeling. Please restore my soul, guide me in the path of righteousness and walk me through the shadow of death.

《杀手》系列 by 九把刀

种花的鹰，登峰造极的G，搜集不幸的天使吉思美，最善良的骗子欧阳盆栽，很了不起的角，夙兴夜寐的杀手经纪人九十九，变态杀人犯猫胎人，风华绝代的月，流离寻岸的铁块和小恩，无与伦比自由的Mr.Neverdie，以及幸运价值连城的阿乐……
还有许许多多只是一笔带过的绝世杀手。
11个看似毫不相干又互作铺垫的故事，微缩了整个杀手－经纪人－黑帮－警察世界。

这是一个杀手世界，只有身手不凡、感官敏锐的不同寻常的人才能存活下来。
这个世界里有美好和感动，也有兴风作浪、无良不杀的邪恶，还有嗜血成命、恶心不死的变态。
这个世界如此奇妙，以至于无论遇到什么样的人都不值得惊奇。

Fall14 Reflection

May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance. (‭2 Thessalonians‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬ NIV)
This verse absolutely comforts me as I get nervous and stressed about this new quarter and my remote internship. I hope God will lead me to where I belong to, and allow me to love and persevere as I live.

《檞寄生》by 蔡智恒

这是一本非常……有趣的书。

刚开始翻阅的时候觉得像随笔或者散文一类的，读了很久都没有抓住中心。“这不是本浪漫爱情小说么……”我这样想着，却不知道浪漫在哪里，爱情又在哪里。不过读到大概书的1/3处开始，我控制不住的笑告诉我痞子蔡写了一本很不错的书。

待读到1/2处的时候，我已经开始po文、织围脖了。我迫不及待，想要将引人入胜和发笑的段落记录下来，甚至找到蔡智恒所著书在橙县公共图书馆的位置，然后借走剩余的全部。

“去死吧！朱丽叶。”

‘我有句话一定要说啊！’
‘这句话只有三个字啊！只是三个紧紧牵动我内心的字啊！’
‘只是三个字啊！请你听我倾诉啊！’
‘如果我今晚不说出这三个字，我一定会失眠啊！’
‘我好不容易有勇气啊！我一定要向你表白啊！’
‘我要让全胜九舍的人都听到这三个字啊！那就是……’
‘早……点……睡……！’

‘IF you want to play, THEN you must die very hard look.’
翻成中文的意思，就是：‘如果你想玩，那么你一定会死得很难看。’

‘你会不会觉得，我是一个很好的老师？’
“当然会啊。”
‘你会不会觉得，跟我做研究时一种幸福？’
“当然幸福啊。”
‘那你怎么舍得毕业呢？再多读一年吧。’
“这……”
‘哈哈……吓到了吧’

我在从图书馆回家的路上想：如果在读过《第一次亲密接触》就去搜索痞子蔡的其他书，也许我会早点发现有这样一本书。也许那样就会早点了解到有这样一种植物。也许当我跟他闹别扭的时候，当我自卑到无处躲藏的时候，我不会用“寄生虫”来形容自己，而是借用“檞寄生”这样一个名字。虽然檞寄生和寄生虫的本质是一样的，但至少檞寄生失去寄主，整株会变成金黄色，这不正是现在的我的颜色么？让别人觉得温暖阳光，其实自己早已死去……

总之，这一周将会是充实且欢快的。:)

my summer

I had three options for this summer: 1) interning in the US, 2) interning in Beijing, and 3) traveling with my dad. After asking around and careful consideration, my dad and I decided that I should go back to the States and gain work experience. However, I haven’t secured a place to stay in Long Beach, and I told my dad that I didn’t want to go back to La Jolla to get my car. All of these made him worry that I had been deceived by this opportunity. Accepting this offer felt more right, so I will learn to trust Him knowing that He plans the future and always prepares for us. In the meantime, I have been replying to posts on craigslist. Hopefully I will secure a safe place to stay for the next two and half months.

Before summer

This is 2014.
This is June.
One week after finals and commencement.
Beginning of the 14-week break.
One out of fourteen passed.

I am at LAX, boarding in 20 mins, heading to Vancouver, Canada then Beijing, China.
It is enjoyable to hear announcements in both English and French. This is one nice thing taking Air Canada.
I may travel to North Korea, Japan, Korea, Germany and Britain this summer.
I may attend my colleague’s wedding in Xi’an.
I may intern with one or two or three different organizations this summer.
I must plan ahead and start studying for professional exam/certificate program.
And lastly, I shall visit mom at where she was buried. This is the only reason why I must go home this summer, not mentioning the price of the ticket.
I hope this will be one of my many meaningful and memorable summer breaks. May I change to a better, holy, wise person after the summer.

Merci, 神さま.

諾

Morning Devotion

The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear The yoke in his youth.

For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, Yet He will show compassion According to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, Nor grieve the children of men. (Lamentations 3:25-27, 31-33 NKJV)

I have been worried about myself recently. Not knowing God’s plan, I don’t know whether I should start packing and be ready to leave this country in a year or not. And Natalie said to me, “a year is long. Focus on the present. Hope in the Lord.”

I questioned God why He took mom away at such a young age for many, many times. I also asked for mercy because I grieved and felt guilty. Yet, He has compassion, and does not afflict willingly.

Life is good, is beautiful. It is also difficult sometimes with all the unknowns and uncertainty. But I guess that is why life is worth living.

a DILEMMA as I transit from being a 1st-yr to a 2nd-yr

I AM STRESSED!!!

All my second-year friends are leaving for school (Ph.D.), or heading to jobs/internships they got, or getting ready to travel for the summer.

I feel pressured to find a job or a potential husband that can allow me to continue living in the U.S.. BUT I don’t want to accept the maybe-true reality in which I have to marry someone I don’t love or enjoy spending time with.

The dilemma is 1) to go home and be the snow whom others expect me to be. marry someone that others think would be a good fit for me. 2) to stay in the U.S. and marry someone that can help me stay in the U.S. longer, and stay in the U.S. longer.

I don’t want either outcome. It may be a matter of choice. A choice of working hard vs. a choice of accepting the imaginary prospect of my future life.

What my life should be like or at least close to be like this:

Graduate, land on a job that brings personal growth and enhances skills/abilities which can help accomplish the purpose of my life. Get a work visa, meet my the other half, fall in love, and get married when it is the right time. Work together to reach a mutual goal that resembles my dream and/or his. Honor God’s name with the work we do and the self we are.

The story can probably be more in-depth or detailed. But that is just my ideal future in 5 to 10 years. God controls my life, and He has a plan for me, which is better than any of the plans I could have thought of.